February Is Eating Disorders Awareness Month

I'm so tired.  I barely slept last night.  I can't even remember the last time I had a full nights sleep without waking up several times.

Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm so cold, sometimes because I'm so hungry and sometimes because I can't stop thinking about a meal or food I shouldn't have eaten or an event I have to attend that involves food.

It's already morning and I'm utterly exhausted.  I want to just go back to sleep but the voice in my head tells me I have to get up because I'll burn more calories when I'm up and moving around.

So I get up.  I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning.  I go straight to the bathroom and get on the scale.  If I've lost weight, it's a euphoric feeling.  It's a good day.  It's an incentive to lose even more.  If I gained weight, I have to eat even less.  I'm down to 83 lbs.  I'm happy.  But after examining my body in the mirror, like I do whenever I get the chance, I still see fat.  I have to lose more.

My mom is knocking on the door.  She wants to weigh me.  I tell her to give me a minute.  I go to my water stash at the back of the cupboard and chug 2 bottles of water so that I'll weigh more when I get on the scale for her, but it's just water so it's ok.  I know she loves me more than life itself but I'm so angry at her right now.  My brain doesn't function properly at this weight so I can't seem to grasp why she is doing this to me.

Time to get myself ready.  I'm so tired and it takes so much energy.

I go downstairs and get ready to leave for school but first I have to eat breakfast because everyone is waiting for me to so.  They aren't saying anything, but I know what they're thinking and I don't want them to worry about me.  I'm also starving, but nobody knows that.  I always just pretend I'm not hungry.

I look in the fridge, then the cupboard, then back to the fridge.  I'm looking for something "safe" to eat. A rice cake with exactly 1 tablespoon of sugar free jam.  I can only find sugar free jam with 20 calories.  I'm out of the one with 10 calories.  This stresses me out, but I figure I'll just have to eat less throughout the day because of this.  I add up the calories in my head...35 for the rice cake and 20 for the jam...55 calories is too much...note to self: buy some more of those 35 calorie yogurts so that my breakfast will only be 35 calories.  

I pack my lunch for school.  A gigantic Ziploc full of raw cauliflower, broccoli, celery and bell peppers, salsa for dipping and an apple.  Without a thought, my mind goes right to adding up the calories...the vegetables are 0 because it takes more energy to burn raw vegetables than the calories they actually contain...I have exactly 3/4 of a cup of salsa so that's 45 calories...and the apple is another 80 calories...a total of 125 calories.  That will take me to dinner.  I automatically start adding up all my calories before dinner...125 and 55...180.  I have to make sure I stay under 200 calories before dinner because I like to "save my calories" for later.

I have a whole day ahead of me now followed by studying when I get home.  I feel so overwhelmed.  I feel so tired.  How am I going to get through it?

I get to school.  The whole morning is spent thinking about lunch.  Lunchtime finally rolls around and my friends ask me to join them at the restaurant across the street.  I tell them I have way too much studying to do.  I go the library instead and eat my vegetables.  They must wonder why I never want to come with them anymore.  Next week one of them is celebrating their birthday.  We're all supposed to go out for lunch.  This is going to cause me so much anxiety until it's over.  She's a good friend and I don't want to be rude and not go so I'll have to just go and hope nobody notices I didn't eat.  I can just say my stomach is hurting or that I ate a late breakfast and I'm not so hungry.  I'll probably spend the next week thinking about this like I do with every celebration I have to go to that involves food.

After lunch I go to my next class, but all I can think about is that I get to eat my apple at exactly 3:00.  Not a second earlier or later.  

I have an exam at 4:00.  When it's over at 6:00 I pack up and go home.  I'm looking forward to going home cause I get to eat dinner.  It also means I made it through another day with eating less than 200 calories before dinner.  Now I get to go home and eat something with a little substance.  This is what I'm thinking about during my exam, in addition to the pain I feel sitting so for so long because bones with no padding aren't very comfortable to sit on.

When I get home I make a huge salad.  I fill an enormous bowl with lettuce and mushrooms and dress it with lemon juice or vinegar, NO OIL!!!!!  I also add 2 grilled chicken breasts.  Only I can grill them because I cook them without any butter or oil.  I never eat anything with butter or oil.  Those two words are like the devil to me.  I'm scared that if my mom makes the chicken she will try and sneak in some fat.  I can normally tell, but what if I can't and I eat it.  The thought of that scares the life out of me.  I cut my chicken into the tinniest pieces and I have to chew each piece a certain number of times.

When dinner is over I add up the all the calories I've had for the day...35, 125, 250 (for the salad because the lettuce and mushrooms don't count, just the chicken and lemon juice)...405.  I still get to eat another snack.  It's always 2 fat-free sugar-free pudding cups (60 calories each) and it has to be at 10:00 or later.  Until then I'll drink green tea.  My total for the day will be 525 calories.

I still have so much studying to do and I'm soooooo tired now.  I have zero energy.  But i'll try.  I go to my bag to get my books and realize I have my exam in my bag.  I never handed it in.  I put it in my bag.  Why?  BECAUSE YOU'RE BRAIN AND BODY CAN'T FUNCTION ON 525 CALORIES AND A WEIGHT OF 78 LBS!!!!!!



February is Eating Disorders Awareness month.  I suffered from anorexia nervosa in my mid-20's and therefore need to acknowledge and show my support to those who are recovered, in the process of recovering or considering recovery.  The story above is an example of a day in my life at that time.

 

An eating disorder is a serious addiction and illness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  It's the darkest place one can imagine if they have never been there.  It feels like you will never see the light again.  It's something that often starts very innocently with wanting to lose a few pounds.  But it can consume you, take over your whole life and is so hard to let go of.


It took a while to become "normal" again.  To have normal eating habits and normal hunger cues.  The road getting back to normal was a long, tortuous one with lots of crying, breakdowns and relapses.  You want to get better but you're scared of who you will be in the end.  But once you get there and you see the light again, it's the greatest feeling.  Way better than seeing 78 lbs. on the scale.  The thought of going back to that place scares the hell out of me.

It feels so good to have a healthy body that functions the way it should.

It feels good not to worry about the when, where and what of my next meal.

It feels good to not have to add up the calories of everything I eat all...day...long.

It feels good to be able to just eat when I'm hungry and not by a time on a clock.

It feels good to not have to weigh myself 20 times a day (or even have a working scale in house).

It feels good to eat a piece of cake...or 2...and be okay with that.

It feels good be IN CONTROL instead of BEING CONTROLLED.

It feels good to be FREE!!!!!

If you can let go, it won't be easy, but it will be so worth it in the end.

Mothers watch what you do, they are watching.

Fathers watch what you say, they are listening.

It's not about food, it's about so much more!